I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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