Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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