I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
