Don't EVER smell your tampon
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
