Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
