I need to stop coming to work sober
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
