Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
