Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
