Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize