i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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