Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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