i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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