Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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