Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize