he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
