There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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