Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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