And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
