the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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