you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
