I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
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