you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
