Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
