My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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