There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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