another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
