you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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