did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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