Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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