apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
