i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
