i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
