I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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