Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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