I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
