i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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