Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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