My nipple is on Facebook.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
