Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
