I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
