I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I lost the right to judge tonight
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
