I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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