I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I met the friendliest cop last night
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
