I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
