also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's always time for handjobs
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
