did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
