Screwed.edu
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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