She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
