Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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