Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
