I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
