rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I could fuck to npr.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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