You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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