The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
