i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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