Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want to make out with him forever
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
