hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my phone needs a breathalizer
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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