Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize