I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
