I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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